All the Fragments of Your Soul and Mine
by ConfusedArchaeologist
Summary: First he kissed her hand, then they lost a patient. It all sort of collapses from there.
1. Chapter 1

A/N. This is the first fanfic I've written in years but these two won't leave me alone! This is set somewhere after episode five, but may or may not incorporate later events, we'll see..Hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think!

They both watch silently as the bodies are loaded into the ambulance. That's all they are now; bodies. Not a mother and son as they should be, not a wife or a brother.

"Should you go with them?" asks Sister Bernadette as Mr Jacobs, grief stricken and bewildered climbs in after the ambulance men.

"No, there's nothing I can do now. I'll file a report in the morning. They'll need your notes as well. There'll be some form of inquiry" Dr Turner replies, voice empty of emotion.

They both walk further out into the yard as the ambulance drives off, taking with it the noise and calamity that had been the norm for the last thirteen hours, and leaving behind a dead silence. They lean against the bonnet of Dr. Turners car, a lone street lamp lighting the area as they wait for one or the other to announce that there was _nothing they could have done_, that they _did all they could_, something, anything to break the dreadful silence.

"Would you like a cigarette?"

This is not something Sister Bernadette expected him to say.

"Yes. Please."

He's not entirely sure what answer he expected, but he hands one over and turns to light it for her, noticing that both their hands are shaking. Their eyes meet over their hands and for a second her face is lit up by the flame of the lighter, her glasses reflect the flickering light and he can't see her eyes. He flicks the lighter off and he sees a tear rolling down her cheek. He's about to lift his hand to wipe it away when she turns from him to face the street, raising the cigarette to her lips as she does. He turns as well and leans back against the car again.

They sit in silence, both of their thoughts on the mother and baby boy they have just failed to save. It's a long while before either talks but again it's Dr Turner who breaks the silence, this time with something she does expect.

"There is nothing we-"

"I know, Doctor." She pauses briefly, "I know, so please don't patronize me." Her voice is steady, devoid of any feeling and not reflecting the fact that her face is wet with tears.

"Sorry."

They carry on smoking and when they run out, Dr. Turner lights two more, all without any words passing between them. When he feels his own tears coming he reaches out and clasps her hand between them, the same one he tried to kiss just a few days ago. They carry on smoking in silence, hand in hand.

A shout that echoes from streets away startles them both back to reality and at almost the exact same time they drop their cigarettes, crushing them underfoot.

"I should be getting back to Nonnatus," Sister Bernadette says in the same blank monotone as before, pulling ger hand from his grip and walking over to her bicycle.

"No, I can't let you cycle half way across London at this time of night, leave the bike here and I'll drive you." Dr Turners steps after her, a hand on her arm to stop her.

"It's hardly half way, and I couldn't leave it here, Fred would have my head," Sister Bernadette shakes her head, refusing to look up at him.

"Then we'll put it in the back of the car. Let me drive you, so I don't worry. Please"

The hand on her arm tightens and she looks up at him and then down at his hand again.

"Please, Sister Bernadette, let me drive you home."

She looks back up at him, her eyes full of tears still.

"Okay then."

She climbs into the passenger seat while he stacks her bike into the back and then comes around to drivers seat.

It's a twenty minute drive to Nonnatus house and neither speaks for the whole journey. When he pulls up to the building, just before the bike shed, they sit in silence again. After a few moments Sister Bernadette speaks,

"I can see their faces. Even when I close my eyes. And I can hear her screams. And her husbands. But baby, he didn't make a sound. Good as gold-" She breaks off when she feels him take her hand again. Finally she breaks out in sobs and he puts his arm around her and pulls her towards him.

She cries in his arms, both of them ignoring the fact that her habit and his coat are covered in blood. (Her _habit_, he has to continually remind himself.)She sobs in his arms and his tears drip on to the top of her cap until the door at the top of the stairs opens with a clatter and Sister Julienne steps out, silhouetted against the light flooding out of the convent behind her.

They pull apart at the noise and without looking at each other climb out of the car. Sister Julienne walks down the steps towards them while Dr. Turner pulls the bike out of the back of the car and sets it in it's place under the shelter. They turn towards Sister Julienne as she reaches them.

"The Jacobs? How are Mother and Baby?" She asks, sounding as if she already knows they answer.

"They didn't make it. Baby was too small and Mother too weak for that long a labour." Dr. Turner sighs heavily.

"I'm sorry," Sister Julienne replies and after a pause continues, "can we offer you some tea?"

"No, I best be getting home to Timmy. Good night." Dr Turner answers, but the three of them stand in silence for a moment before he finally turns away and goes to his car.

Sister Julienne wraps an arm around Sister Bernadette and guides her up the stairs.

"Horlicks and then bed I think," she says, looking over her shoulder at the retreating lights of Dr. Turners car.


	2. Chapter 2

AN. Wow! Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter, the encouragement was perfect to get this chapter out! Well, let's get on with it, hope you enjoy!

Sister Julienne guides Sister Bernadette inside and along to the kitchen in silence, makes her a hot drink, watches as she drinks it and then puts her arm around her again to guide her to her room.

"I'll be quite all right Sister, you can go now." The dismissal is the first sentence she has uttered since she broke down in the car and it is so quiet Sister Julienne barely hears her.

"If you're sure, I'll leave you. But don't you worry about your duties tomorrow, have a good long sleep, you've had a long night."

"Thank you Sister."

Sister Bernadette moves, not to prepare for bed, but sinks to her knees at the side of her bed, hands clasped to pray. She stays that way till dawn.

The next day Dr. Turner returns to Nonnatus House and they go through their reports, writing everything that happened and recalling it all in vivid, bloody, detail. Neither speaks of their shared cigarettes and held hands however.

The weeks pass and they wait for the results of the inquiry. In the end it's as they thought. Nothing they could have done, the mother had been too hungry and too weak, the baby too young. They did everything they could have. This is little comfort however and Sister Bernadette almost wishes she had made some mistake, missed some symptom or other, so that she could blame someone for the hatred and sadness she is feeling.

But she can't blame herself, or Doctor Turner for the loss of the young lives. She can blame him for something else though. Well she wishes she could. She can't really blame him for anything, not when she doesn't know what it is she's feeling. She can't blame anyone for this mixed up turmoil of happiness and guilt and what she thinks might be the same as what she sees when a mother looks at their newborn child.

Over the weeks she wraps her self in sheets of guilt and watching carefully what she can't have, being happy without notice and having that ripped away when she hears her own name (_Sister_ Bernadette. It's been more her own name than what her parents christened her. But slowly she feels it disappearing into the ether and with it all she knows about herself.) Having that happiness softly reapplied, spread like a soothing balm by a shared smile or glance, a brief touch in passing or stolen cigarette after a long birth. And having it torn away all over again.

She turns to God for guidance, spending any time she is not at work in the chapel. But this only leads her to blame him for the deaths, for her feelings, for the fact that she no longer feels him within her. This in turn leads to more guilt and she prays more, desperate to hear some thing or feel something in return.

But where she used to go to be calm she feels only confusion and disorder, if not always apparent, always below the surface. The only place she feels in control now is in the birthing chamber, where she can follow a set of rules and let her instincts rule her at the same time.

Doctor Turner also spends the weeks following the deaths of Mrs. Jacobs and her baby in a state of confusion over what he feels for Sister Bernadette. At one moment he's content to carry on their gentle friendship that has been developing, at another he is full of strong intent to tell her how he feels, (a state often quickly dismissed when he reminds himself he doesn't know what he feels, and that any action will almost certainly be followed by rejection) and at others he fully intends to fully cut off all contact with her and save them both (another state quickly dismissed, he isn't sure what he does feel, but he's not quite certain he could ever live without her.)

It after another long birth, when they're sitting outside in the dark, sharing a cigarette, that he realises that he's in love with her and has been for awhile. It's at almost that precise moment that he sees that he is still wearing his wedding ring.

The next morning, a rare day off with his son, he takes action. Of a sort. He finds his wife's wedding ring and the diamond ring that has been hidden away since her death and approaches Timothy as he plays with his toys before lunch.

"Timothy, come here I want to talk to you." He says with a quaver in his voice as he crouches down.

"Yes dad?" He looks up from his toys, face all innocent curiosity.

"Do you-" He breaks off, voice catching in his throat, " Do you remember the rings mummy used to wear?" This is harder than he thought it was going to be.

"Yes, she had a big shiny one," he says as he walks over, more interested now.

"Yes, well I gave that one to her when I asked her to marry me." Breath, he tells himself. "And I was thinking, that maybe you would like to have it, and her wedding ring." He opens up his hand that he realises he's had clamped closed, the claws on diamond digging into his palm and leaving a mark. A rush of cool air dries the sweat that has formed there.

The little boy is silent for a moment while he considers the rings in his fathers out stretched palm.

Finally he asks, "Why would I want girls rings?"

"Well, I as thinking you could have mine as well." At this he twists off his wedding band and adds it to the pile in his hand.

"But why?" Timothy asks again. He shouldn't have counted on easy acceptance from his son.

"Well, when you're older, you might want to get married, and I thought it might be nice for you to use these rings. I think that's what Mummy would have liked."

"Don't you want to wear it any more? Don't you love Mummy any more?"

"I'll always love your Mummy, Timothy, but I think it's about time to start moving on, is that Okay?"

"I suppose so." Timothy stretches his hand out to pluck the rings up and examine then closely and at that moment Dr. Turner lets out a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding and speaks again.

"I think we should put them somewhere safe-" He's interrupted by the sound of the door bell.

"Hold on to those" he says as he rises from his crouch, knees clicking as he does.

He walks to answer the door, hoping against hope that it won't be someone with an

emergency for him. It's almost worse. It's Sister Bernadette.

"Hello Sister."

"Hello Doctor Turner." She replies, both of them as apprehensive as each other. "Sister Julienne sent me over with the replacements for your equipment that was stolen," she explains.

It's then that he notices the box in her arms and the others at her feet.

"Of course, thank you," he says as he stoops to pick them up, "come through."

They carry the boxes through to his study and are just emerging when Timothy comes up to them, saving them from trying to make conversation.

"Sister Bernadette, look, look what Dad gave me!" He rushes towards her extending his hand so she can see the rings. "Mummy's old rings, for when I get married."

Her breath catches in her throat before she can summon up the appropriate enthusiasm "Oh, how lovely," she glances up to see Doctor Turner looking at her tenderly and quickly switches her focus back to Timothy. "And who are you going to ask to marry you, with such beautiful rings?"

He considers the question seriously for a moment before answering.

"You Sister Bernadette, then you could move here and we'd all be happy!"

The adults are both stunned for a second, before breaking out into laughter. Doctor Turner ruffles his sons hair and quashes the instinct to shout 'No, you can't have her,' and instead says, "Sorry Timmy, but Sister Bernadette is a nun, she can't get married." This is last is delivered with a small smile and a glance in the woman's direction, but she is steadfastly not looking at him.

"Oh. Okay then." He pauses for a moment, and then: "What about Nurse Noakes, when she gets back from Africa?" This again is delivered with such sincerity that the adults can't help but laugh.

"I'm sorry Timmy, but she's married already," Sister Bernadette explains as she smooths down the hair that his father messed up.

Timothy stops to consider again before coming up with "I know! Nurse Jenny Lee! She's pretty!" The adults laugh again and share a smile before Dr Turner says, "Perhaps you can ask her when you're older. For now we'll put these somewhere safe."

"Well I best be getting off, patients to see." Sister Bernadette says as she turns towards the door.

"Of course, and thank you for bringing the equipment." Doctor Turner walks her to the door, "Better not tell Nurse Lee about the rings, she might be jealous about being third choice!" They both laugh as she walks towards her bicycle, him following behind as he lights a cigarette.

"Perhaps not. Good bye Doctor Turner," She calls as she swings on to the bike. "Oh, I nearly forgot, Sister Julienne told me to invite you to luncheon tomorrow, the Vicars wife will be there and they thought it would be easiest to discuss the plans of what to do with the money from the fair if you were there as well." She says very quickly, flushing at stumbling over her words.

Doctor Turner smiles as he takes in her flushed face, "Of course, that makes sense, I'll be there at 12?"

"Perfect. We'll see you tomorrow then."

He watches her ride away until Timothy calls him back inside to play.

AN. Well that was longer than expected, but somewhat happier than the last chapter, so all's good. Hope you enjoyed it, please do let me know! Or even if you didn't, let me know and I can work on improving it! Gritting my teeth waiting for the next episode, if they pull a BallyKissAngel on us I will not be happy!


	3. Chapter 3

The next day Dr. Turner arrives at Nonnatus house at exactly 12 o'clock. The door is answered only after the sound of shouting and footsteps hurrying towards the door.

A flustered looking Sister Julienne finally answers the door, "Ah Doctor Turner, please do come in." He follows her back to the dining room as she continues speaking, "I'm afraid you've missed the discussion about how to spend the money from the fair. The Vicar's wife was in and out in a flash, she reviewed the list Sister Bernadette drew up and said she approved, so long as you approved, which we already knew you did. So the need for another meeting was beyond me in the first place. But there we are." She pauses for breath before adding, "But please, do join us, we are about to eat."

Dr. Turner hesitates before agreeing to join them. The meal passes with loud conversation, about patients, other residents of Poplar and a dance the three young nurses had attended the night before. Nurse Lee tells a story about a man who asked both Nurse Franklin and Nurse Miller to dance before her. He catches Sister Bernadette's eye, who also looks as if she is trying to hide a smile, and has to look away to stop himself bursting out in laughter as he remembers Timmy's process of choosing a wife yesterday. The moment passes and eventually the other nuns and nurses are called away to various jobs and he is left alone with Sister Bernadette.

They stand almost simultaneously reaching for the empty dishes.

"Oh no, Doctor, don't do that, I'll tidy up." Sister Bernadette says , reaching for more places.

"Of course not Sister, you must let me repay you all for this lovely meal." He says, trying to take the plates from her.

"No, you're a guest, I can't let you -" Pulling away from him, but she's almost laughing now.

"We'll do it together, before we break something," He says, stacking cups from the table instead. They carry the dishes through to the kitchen in and start the washing up, him washing and her drying, returning the items to their correct places. Doctor Turner tries desperately to keep up the conversation, about patients, about Timothy, anything to keep himself from bursting out with his true feelings. He wonders why he does this to himself, seeking out her company, when he knows she can't return his feelings. It's almost a kind of punishment, hearing her laugh and seeing her smile, but it's an addiction as well, and he just can't stay away.

Their hands touch repeatedly passing the plates and she doesn't know if it's an accident, or , if not, whose fault it is, but each time it happens she lets them linger before pulling away and averting her eyes, stuttering in the conversation. Eventually, in her haste to pull her hand away she drops a plate and it falls, cracking loudly and interrupting Doctor Turner's nervous chatter. Neither of them move to clean it up, instead stand in silence staring at the plates in the water. Somehow, without meaning to, his hand has moved to cover hers again and this time she doesn't move away.

They stand in silence, hand in hand, and every moment they've spent together flashes through his mind, every time they've laughed together, or shared a sneaky cigarette. Every time he's watched her at the clinic, when he should have been working. He thinks he can pick out all of her different smiles, the ones for children who don't want an injection, the ones for scared mothers about to give birth, the tired ones, so full of joy, after a long birth. The ones that are just for him. Eventually he can't stop himself and, holding her hand tighter but not raising his eyes from the soapy water, he speaks.

"We should talk. Someone needs to say something."

"Then say something Doctor Turner, please, because I don't know where to start." Her voice is steadier than she expected, but she still can't look at him.

He pauses to consider what he's about to say. Then decides to come out with what he's been holding in for so long.

Quietly he says, "If you weren't a nun I'd ask you to marry me."

"But I am a nun, so I don't know what else there is to be said." Her voice catches at her last words, but still she won't look at him.

_'You don't have to be,' _his mind screams, _'you don't have to be a nun.' _

"Yes." He agrees. But before he can't make himself go back to the dishes, or better yet, leave, he his unable to stop his mouth carrying on. "But, hypothetically, if you weren't – Timmy needs a mother – I need – I l-" he stops himself in the nick of time, but she doesn't seem to have noticed the word he almost said.

"I'd want to carry on being a midwife. Hypothetically, as well as a w-" she can't make herself say the word wife, " a mother," She says voice steadier now.

"Of course," he smiles now, grasping hold of her words, "we could work together."

"They wouldn't let me continue working here, not if I broke my vows, and it would be-." But she breaks off, unable to articulate the feelings the idea of leaving Nonnatus gives her. She is holding on hard to his hand now, nails digging in, but he's glad of the contact, it feels like more than he's felt in an age.

"We could move to a different district. The other side of London. A different city. Hell, a different country if you wanted. Follow Nurse Noakes to Africa. Or India, I've always wanted to see it." He turns to look at her, unable to stop himself, waiting to see what she'll say."

She pauses for a long moment, unable to quite take in what he's saying – or what her heart is saying to her.

"You'd uproot Timothy? Away from everything he knows?"

He pauses for a second, wandering at the fact that this is what she chose to pick out of what he's said, and wanders if it makes him love her more.

"They have the scouts on the other side of London. And in India. I checked. He'd have us, he'd be okay."

_Us_, she doesn't think such a short word has ever sounded so perfect. Finally she turns to look at him as well.

"We're not speaking hypothetically anymore, are we?" her voice is soft.

"No, I suppose we're not." He holds his breath, terrified at what they're saying.

"But I'm a nun." She says again. Unable to look at him anymore she lowers her eyes, but when she see their clasped hands and it's almost as though she hadn't realised they'd even been touching. She pulls her hands from his, but doesn't step away, her hands going to the cross around her neck. The words hang heavily in the silence between them.

He thinks if he retreats now he could save the gentle friendship they've built, which he's so scared of loosing. But he's also certain that if he says nothing now he'll lose any chance of happiness they might ever have. Finally he says what he's been dying to say for so long.

"You don't have to be." And then, because he can't bear silence any longer, nor the look on her face, he continues, "I love you, Sister Bernadette, I love you, and I'd marry you in a heart beat if you weren't a nun. And if you love me too then-"

She looks back up at him then, and he see's so many things in her eyes, fear and what might be hope, or love, that he almost looks away. But he is transfixed, as always, so he waits for her to speak. Long moments pass, and he finds it almost impossible not to speak or kiss her or do _something_, but eventually she does speak.

"I love you too."

It's those three words he's wanted to hear for so long and he can't help himself. Taking both her hands in his, he kisses her. For a moment she doesn't move, but when she does it's to respond, and their lips are moving softly together. But then his hand his moving to her face and they're moving closer together and she can hear herself letting out a soft noise of contentment, and she doesn't think she's ever felt so happy or light. She feels like she's in a different world, floating-

She's brought back down to earth by the sound of the door opening and a gasp of surprise. They break apart and Sister Bernadette turns to see Jane standing at the door staring in shock.

A/N. Sorry this took so long! It just didn't want to be written, but then I've got an essay due in a few days, so of course this wanted to be written first! Thank you so much for the reviews, hope you continue to enjoy this!


	4. Chapter 4

Jane gasps, and then freezes for a second, staring at the scene in front of her. Sister Bernadette and Doctor Turner were standing incredibly close to each other. And kissing. At her gasp Sister Bernadette whips around and they stare at each other for a second, one set of eyes full of fear, one confusion, before Jane turns and returns to her room. Her quick footsteps echo along the corridor of the convent and but the slam of her door shuts it out.

She paces the room before sittting on the edge of her bed, her thoughts whirling. She cannot have seen what she thinks she did. She _can't_ have. She's got it wrong. She must have. Doctor Tuner _can't_ have been _kissing_ Sister Bernadette. She sits, it might just be for a few minutes, it might be a long while, she doesn't know, wondering what she should do. If anything. She's not religious. Although she'd gone to church almost every sunday of her life, she'd never felt any connection with the words she said or sang. She'd never felt God within her, only an aching emptyness that came of not being able to connect with anyone. Until now. She felt she had found her home in Nonnatus, a convent, and Sister Bernadette had been the kindest of them all, gentle, but persistant in her efforts at being a friend to Jane. She knew she wouln't betray that kindness by telling anyone what she had seen but at the same time it was hard to reconcile the image of Sister Bernadette in Doctor Turner's arm with that of the nun with the beautiful voice that she so loved to listen to. She's startled out of her revery by a knock on the door.

After Jane leaves, Doctor Turner and Sister Bernadette turn to face each other again, standing further apart now.

"I -"

"You-" they start to speak at the same time.

Sister Bernadette turns away from him, unable to face him now that she's been broken out of the trance she was in before, afraid of the fact that all she wants is his arms back around her.

"You first," He says. She feels, rather than hears him step up behind her and touch her lightly on the arm, and she has to fight against her bodies urge to rest against him.

"You should go, I need to talk – I should – Jane. And then I have my rounds. Mrs Leigh is close to her due date and-" She rambles. She can't see his face, so she doesn't see how it falls, how the light leaves his eyes.

"Yes. Of course. I'm meant to be on call later." He replies, but doesn't move from where he is standing, leaving his hand on her arm. "I'm so sorry."

At this she turns around, and they're back in almost the exact same stance that Jane found them in. In her heart she is shouting that he shouldn't be sorry, that it's not his fault. That she _loves_ him. But she can't bring herself to do it, because she's sorry as well, so all she says instead is,

"Yes, well." And after a small pause and a sharp nod she turns from him and leaves the room.

Walking along the corridor she doesn't have a desitnation in mind, except the vague thought of _Jane._ Would she say anything? She wouldn't would she? She had to talk to her. But should she? Jane could be as quiet as a mouse, and hated starting conversations. She wouldn't bring up anything she had seen. But despite all this Sister Bernadette found herself wanting to talk to someone. And she felt Jane had become a friend in the short time she had been at the convent. As much as a friend a nun could have.

This is how she finds herself standing in front of Janes bedroom door. She musters all her courage up and knocks. There is no response and she's about to turn away when the door opens and Jane's shy, but enquiring face appears in the small gap. They stare at each other for a few seconds before Jane pulls the door open full and steps back, inviting the nun into the room.

Jane closes the door behind her and for a moment they both stand staring at each other, neither eniterly sure what to say.

What happened still hasn't quite sunk into Sister Bernade's mind. He kissed her. On the lips. And she can't make herself feel guilty, as she knows she should. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world, and it's all she wants to feel forever. His hands holding hers and seeing his smile every day are all she wants. But that is conflicted with the feeling of saftey she feels in the Convent, the chapel and her Sisters. Giving them up would be one of the hardest things she'd ever have to do. Almost as hard as deciding to join them.

"I won't tell anyone," Jane eventually announces when Sister Bernadette doesn't say anything.

"Thankyou." Sister Bernadette replies. They stand in silence for a while longer, even through Sister Bernadette knows she should leave.

"Do-" Jane pauses, hesistating because she's never been someone's confidant before, "Do you want to talk about it?" She asks.

Sister Bernadette pauses for a moment, her anguish plain on her face, tears brimming in her eyes. Jane takes her hand and puts a hand on her back to guide her to the bed. Sitting down besides her she holds her hand and waits for the nun to speak

"I don't know what to say," she says finally, letting out a mix between a sob and a laugh.

"Do you love him?" Jane is uncertain, but this seems to be the only explanation she can think of to explain what she saw in the kitchen.

"Yes."

"Does he love you."

"Yes. I think so."

Silence.

"He wants to marry me."

"Do you want to marry him?"

"Yes."

"Is that possible?"

"I'd have to leave the order. I think it's possible. It would take some time. There's paper work and-"

"Do you want to leave the order?"

"No! Yes. I don't know. But I don't think I can carry on living like this."

They sit in silence for a while longer, Jane doesn't have any good adivice for her and she doesn't think Sister Bernadette wants it anyway.

"I'm thinking of going on retreat. I'm due to go anyway, it's just been so busy...it would give me time to think."

There's a slight pause while Jane considers what she should say, _if _she should say anything. But she wasn't the only one who had noticed Sister Bernadette's increased time in the chapel.

"Forgive me Sister, but isn't that all you've been doing? Thinking? You spend so much time in the chapel, when you're not at work."

"Yes, I suppose that is true. But i'm still not closer to knowing what I should do." Her voice shakes as she speaks.

Again there is a lingering silence before Jane points out something Sister Bernadette might never have thought of.

"Rather than think about what you should do," There is a pause here, Jane still wondering if she's going to far, but decides she might as well keep going, "Maybe you should think about what you want."

Sister Bernadette pauses, taking that in, still faced with the problem that she doesn't know the answer to that either. Seeing this confusion written on the other womans face, Jane speaks once again.

"When I used to be confused, or scared at the..asylum, I would list the things I know to be true. That would help to get my thoughts in to order and then I could think more clearly."

Sister Bernadette considers Jane for a moment. The woman who had come to them who could barely speak a sentence and the woman who sat on the bed next to her were two completely different people. Contemplating her words, the two women sit in silence before Sister Bernadette speaks, her voice no longer shaking, but steady.

"I love him. That I know to be true with all my heart."

A/N Okay, so I know it's been AGES since I updated this, and I know this chapter didn't really advance the story line much at all...but I hope someone still reads and enjoys this..and I'll try and come up with another chapter a bit quicker this time!


	5. Chapter 5

Sister Bernadette manages to get through her rounds with out issue and later that evening she finds herself infront of Sister Julienne's office door. Even after her conversation with Jane she still doesn't know what the right path is. She loves God and she loves her role as a nun, she loves the hyms and the prayers and the ritual. She loves him as well. The idea of making a change to her well ordered existance is terrifying and she is almost hoping for someone to stop her making the biggest decision of her life. The biggest decision that could also be the best. Finally she finds the courage to take the first step and knock on the heavy, imposing door.

Sister Jullienne's familiar comforting voice floats towards her.

"Come in."

* * *

Doctor Turner leaves Nonnatus House in a state of shock. On the one hand he's dazed with happiness, euphoric and ecstatic. Intoxicated by the sensation of kissing her, giddy and giggling like a mad man. He kissed her. He wants to shout it out loud and make sure that everyone hears. On the other hand, he _kissed_ her. And someone saw. Jane, the quiet girl who had come from the asylum. He's never really spoken to her, never really had a chance to get to know her. He has no idea if she'll say something to Sister Juillenne. No idea if his strange euphoric happiness is going to explode into a dangerous confrontaion, or implode, with no words said and silence between him and Sister Bernadette stretching on indefenetly.

* * *

He goes about his work switching between giddiness and taut tension and it shows to those around him, who don't know what to make of the usually calm and collected Doctors strange behaviour.

Sister Bernadette enters the cold room, carefully closing the door behind her. She quietly walks towards the desk and sits down with out saying a word, causing Sister Jullienne to look up from her paper work questioningly. Bernadette sits, staring at her hands before opening her mouth to start talking.

Suddenly all the words she had prepared, the reasoning and the _confession_ all escape her and all she can produce is more silence.

Sister Julienne sets her pen down and clasps her hands, trying to think what the young woman could need to speak about. She's been doing good work, working especially hard since the case with the Jacobs, neglecting her self and working through days off and the weeks she was meant to be on retreat.

"Sister Bernadette?" She asks quietly.

"I-" She breaks off, unable to say everything she had planned. Instead what spills out is almost exactly what she thinks Sister Julienne wants to hear, "I was wondering, Sister, if it might be possible for me to take my time to go on retreat, I know we are short staffed and the number of mothers and the vaccinations are still- but I-" Her voice catches and quietly she adds "I think I might need some time away from -" She almost says his name then, but pulls up short at the last moment.

Sister Jullienne breaks off her rambling, cutting off her near confession.

"Child, I think a retreat is exactly what you might need. Infact a convent near Aberdeen, St Anne's, has just written to say they would like to send one of their girls down to train further as a midwife, you could go home for a time."

Home. She'd entered the room with one set of worries and now she'd leave with a completely different set.

"Yes. Yes Sister Jullienne I think that would be perfect. Thank you."

* * *

AN: So super short chapter this time, sorry, also that updating more often thing didn't happen..Sorry...So just opened up a completely new can of worms I wasn't quite expecting to make it into this story (Yes, I have others planned, but tbh, how likely is it that I'd ever get round to starting any?) so uhh..well let's see how this goes..you know, if anyone is still actually reading this...


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